I'm glad to hear that your cat is getting taken care of. Unfortunately that cat is going to die. Hopefully not right now, but probably not all that long from now. A few years? 5 years? Where are you going to be in a few years? Are we going to say goodbye to Imari at that time? I know you're a smart person, and I know that you're capable of outliving your cat. I'm also quite confident that you're suffering, because someone who isn't suffering from something doesn't make these kinds of statements.
Here's the real problem with depression and suicide. I've been told, for example, that failed suicide attempts are often met with... less than exuberant care at the hospital. Often procedures are a bit more painful, and get put off a little longer, than they need to be - because people that value their lives are being displaced, and doctors often resent that. It is difficult for anyone around you to value your life more than you value your own. So when you tie yourself to your cat, it's hard for others not to do the same.
I've never battled depression. I've been depressed, but it's not the same. I hope that the situation with your cat is the tipping point for you in your fight, because regardless of how this surgery goes, you need to be ready to outlive that pet. I don't think any of us can truly help you. All I can say is that I hope you find what you're looking for.
Is this your idea of helping?
Go away, Danoff. I bailed out of the Transgender thread because I couldn't face your relentless denial of how people feel. I didn't expect to find it here too. I thought you'd have good enough sense to leave me alone.
For your information, I hope I won't be severely depressed in 10 or 15 years when the cat dies. I hope that all the drugs and treatments and life changes that I'm working so hard on at the moment will have worked, because frankly I won't bother living through 15 years of severe depression. It's too unpleasant.
You might as well ask someone with a broken leg how they expect to run away from bandits in 15 years with a broken leg. They don't. They don't expect to have a broken leg by then.
I expect to be able to deal with the cat's death (and probably the death of my parents, who the cat will almost certainly outlive) like a normal person. I will be sad, I will grieve, I will seek support from my by then extensive emotional support community that I will have built up and I will move on with my life. I've had pets and relatives die before, and I dealt with it. But this time, even the threat of it was enough to drive me near to panic.
Just because something would break me now at my weakest moment, doesn't mean that it always will. I don't expect you to understand what it's like to be ruled by emotions and feelings that are beyond your control. You don't understand it in the Transgender thread, and you won't understand it here. This is something I'm trying my best to deal with, but at the same time I'm forced to live the day to day. And that means having moments like these where I freak out.
I turned to GTP for support, and I'm not sorry I did. Many people were very kind. You are not.
I will not reply to anything further from you, because you're on ignore. If you won't leave me alone out of courtesy, I'll make it happen myself. I do not need to deal with your 🤬 at the moment.
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For everyone else who may be following along:
The cat went through surgery fine, she wasn't eating afterwards at the hospital but she's eating now that she's home. I will admit to having a happy cry when she took that first bite.
My mother came through and offered financial support. I'm very grateful, because honestly it could have gone either way. It's given me time to restructure my finances because while this would always have been a big blow, it wouldn't have been as bad had I been more prepared. I should have been, but depression.
For myself, I'm feeling a lot better. It's remarkable how much one can come to depend on seemingly trivial things. I suppose everyone has things upon which they rely pretty strongly, a wife, children, parents, and so on. To have them removed is a shock for anyone. I think with depression part of it is that your strongest links to the world become very few, and potentially are not what most people might expect.
Pets seem to be a common one, because they tend to love you unconditionally. Whatever I go through, my cat is there to give me hugs, lick my face and beg for pats. That matters.
If anyone follows the fighting game community, they may be familiar with what Nuckledu (a top player) went through not so long ago. Basically,
guy was saved by his dog. The love of his dog kept him alive long enough for friends to get in touch and help.
I'm not in that place, but I'm still on top of it enough to recognise the things that might drive me there. I had lifeline dialed into my phone so that I could just push a button, and I'd already called friends to warn them that I might need to come over and stay at their place. I'm prepared, but I think it's also important not to lie to myself and others about what's going on, especially when I'm getting panicky. I can pretend to be normal all day, but I'm not so sure that's what's needed any more.
Thank you to all who offered kind words and support. The knowledge that there are people that would help some stranger on the internet helps more than you can possibly imagine.
