Sorry for double posting but I really need to get this off my mind, well my mind is scattered with sadness, anger, and conflict, and 🤬 but yeah, have any of you heard or read about the Pandas Syndrome?
Apparently after a 🤬 talk with my dad, he mentioned something to me after I reminded him of the flu I had 5 years old and how that might have affected my mental state without me realizing it until it gave me my first panic attack.
Apparently this so-called "Pandas Syndrome" is basically when OCD randomly appears after suffering a illness like a strep infection aka sore throat and scarlet fever which is a bacterial illness like a stomach virus. Anyways back then, around the time of Christmas 2011, It was the last day of school before break started and I woke up with a high fever and my voice was gone and I became very sensitive to light, My parents just dimissed it at the time and thought it was a normal flu, but with a little stomach virus and sore throat, I went to the doctor and didn't go to school and he gave me some medicine and such and yeah, but there something different about this but I didn't really pay attention back then due to my fear of throwing up my guts out everytime I got sick. Anyways since I was a kid, I wouldn't get headaches like usual people would get like it would surround the entire forehead but for me, It started to only get headaches on the left side of my head and it would hurt a lot too and it would also affect my left eye a lot. Although It went away for a couple of years until I got sick of that "illness" in 2011 and it was even worse...
I was sick the entire Christmas Break and I really didn't get better until the middle of January 2012 but I still had problems clearing my throat, then the last week of that month, on Monday, I started to feel sick again and I was started to have trouble breathing over and over, but I didn't mind it since it would go away,until that Thursday and Friday of that week...
As I said before when I first had my panic attack, I started to have trouble eating all of a sudden and my hands would start shaking slowly and I would get a "silent headache" where I feel my head drowsy and such without the pain. Anyways on that Friday, The last class, I became suddenly desperate to go home and My breathing started to get worse as I felt like I had asthma or something but when I went outside of school, It went away...
After that, I guess you all know the rest, I went home, played some GT5 like usual, I went to eat and then I started "choking" like a madman and felt like the air was sucked out of me, couldn't eat at all that day and felt tense and shaky and woke up the next day feeling like Death was getting to me and I end up in the ER in the hospital...
Now after reading through my memories one more time (As doing that isn't painful enough...) I say this... What if all of this, my anxiety, my depression, my sadness, my anger, my deprivation, my fears, my weaknesses, my hatred and jealous and my despair, was because I silently got this syndrome after I got sick and it gave me anxiety and depression... That would explain it all, why I obsess a lot over the past, why I am always angry, why I always am sad and why I became like this, a weakened teenager who has no sense of anything and has no idea what to do...
Right now, I basically quit school at this point, I haven't gone at all, and I am surprised they haven't send me to the hospital yet, and I hope to whoever is in the heavens, that 🤬🤬 never happens again... but It's hard to believe in that when I don't even have hope..., Everytime I enclose myself in my room, my:censored:🤬 parents always try to break in and threaten me and such, like I basically have no sanity at this point, I can just...
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, honestly I don't know anymore, I feel like all this time, I was deceived by my own mind, by my own self that I created a present time when no one else can survive, that I am this burden who has to suffer this fate, after all, everyone blames me for this... I always have dreams of death when the world would be better if my existence was erased but I am stuck here in this infinite loop, Time goes on for everyone else but for me it doesn't. My parents know my weaknesses now so I can't do anything anymore... Nothing private as the whole goddamn doctors think they know every little detail about me by looking at a file that's been manipulated... All of them think I am the crazy one when in reality, They are the ones who are crazy and I am the one who suffers the despair...