Every single time I fall asleep when I wake up and much more depressed. I just woke up from my couch because I still can't watch television without stress levels going up. On a few occasions though, I was able to see some series.
The other day we found out our neighbour listed their house at over $1M (CAD if that helps). I earn a lower-middle class income and it's clear as mud that unless I put in the effort to increase my income (which I haven't done ever since I started this job 3 years ago), the day my parents retire (which is coming up in about a year's time), a very broke/frugal lifestyle (which I don't want) will become my reality. Housing costs in my area is largely everyone's financial strain. Because I don't have the drive to study up and climb the ladder in my industry (keeping it short and sweet: I'm lazy, and the prospects of having larger responsibilities doesn't excite me), the thought of not having adequate money to live a life with some degree of financial freedom (in about a year's time) has me bothered to put it lightly.
I've always coped with this by continuing to not think about it. This along with not being more diligent in better taking care of myself (like I rambled on about earlier in this thread) has lead me to feelings of inadequacy, that I am not taking sufficient action to take care of myself and securing (or building) the future I want. I rationalize that once I'm not worrying about whether I'm doing enough to take care of my body and income (aka be a more responsible and independent grown up), I won't have these broody moments any longer.
Is this relatable to your situation?
Been feeling worse lately. *story time snipped*
Have I ever told you I relate to you and how you perceive situations very similarly?
I've grown up very pampered by my family. I've rarely had to think for myself. Up until this day, many decisions in my life have had someone (not solely by my mother) either completely take care of it or bear most the responsibility: what school I went to, how to apply for University, how to open a bank account, what career I should aim for, what I should do for the rest of my life (to be fair, I'm trying to take more control of this), doing my taxes, negotiating the price of my first car, making dentist appointments, and so on.
To me, not having to think for myself means that when it comes time where there's no one around to help, I don't know what to do. I only know to do what someone tells me to do. I don't know how to be on my own; so all I'll know to do instinctively is to behave like I'm told to, and everything will continue to be okay. That being said, I have made mistakes in the past and in fear of making more in the future, this just leads to indecision and it kills my self-esteem like I don't know better. This mindset weakens how I value myself and it has an effect on my social power.
So whenever there's conflict, it doesn't take the other party much effort to win over the argument (even if I know I'm not (entirely) in the wrong) and have their position/will influence mine. Whenever someone spreads negativity onto me, I take it really personally, even if I'm not at fault or even if we at the end of the day don't have the obligation to care. I feel it's unfair that while I can keep my mouth shut for little things, I have to put up with someone else who complains about similar things. Whenever someone says I did something wrong or blames me, I'm more inclined to take 100% of whatever they say and not retort (in fear of saying something wrong), or if I do retort, it's an argument I can't win because they're louder (which also boils my blood). And it doesn't help the only way I habitually argue is to question them with their logic, which depending on the person is too civilized (if the person wins by loudness) or too disrespectful (when in a customer service role).
Here's another example: "I don't ask you for favours so why do you keep asking me of ALL people?" is what I keep thinking to myself when one coworker calls. I get that he has commitments, a family to take care of, and a "life" to live, whereas I don't have a family to raise and often spend my time non-productively, so between him and I, if anyone could take care of this favour, it would be me, since I have a bit more spare time. Logically this makes sense. I do him this favour. It's no big deal. I did have the time I could spend to help. However, this got to a point where I became the go-to person in his head for any favours he needed because he has his hands full taking care of a kid and whatever daily responsibilities a grown up has that I
apparently don't. I've come to realize he doesn't recognize that he was actually disrespectful and he doesn't value what
my time means to me. I know he wouldn't ask his boss for these kinds of favours so that should be saying something.
"He's got nothing to do anyway, and my hands are full. I'll get him to do it to make better use of my time" is how it comes off to me. Who is he to assume I'm always spending my time playing video games? I just happened to be doing that at the time of calling. The fact that I was accepting these small favours had begun to diminish the level of respect he had for me (I became his yes-man). Recently I got off work late (and he knew that), and at about 10pm, he had asked me if I would be willing come to the office to help him hold a flashlight in a crammed space to assist him in doing some cabling work. He had the audacity to ask with the thought I may actually just say yes to that.
Where am I going with all this? I learned some time ago I have low self-worth. People step all over me easily and talk me into doing their bidding because of my weak-will and poor approach on standing up for myself. When I read what you wrote and how you wrote it, I can feel how defensive you're getting. I've been doing customer service work for almost 10 years now, and am still learning to deal with the toxicity of online players in Rocket League.
Right off the bat, the biggest thing I must say is that you must not take full responsibility of "the blame" when someone else is unhappy when you were not the direct cause of it. People who are naturally blamers will kill people like us from the inside out if you continue to let them have their way.
If your next door neighbour lived in the unit you lived in, you wouldn't think that noisy upstairs neighbour's actions were any more just than they were on you. I'm glad you talked to him first to attempt to address it, but if he doesn't comply, have you spoken with the landlord? You've written that he has, but you haven't mentioned that you have though. I know this sounds like I'm blaming you, but on the flip side, there's nothing standing in your way to also do the same as he did. You have every right to file a complaint as well, and if the landlord did indeed dismiss your complaint, then the landlord didn't give you the respect he gave to your noisy neighbour. He didn't value your presence (or isn't afraid of you). Why should you adapt to their will when you can have a will of your own? Moving is always one option, but if it's not easily obtainable, then this isn't an option yet. This is your opportunity to make your voice heard by the landlord though! Of course, this is not the time to come off as a whiny tenant. A whiny tenant has little power over a landlord who isn't scared of you. If you know who they fear and are able to get in touch with them, that will boost your confidence with your interaction with them. There must be something you will be able to do to get that neighbour to respect your space, and not knowing is what will make you feel powerless (that self-esteem thing again).
About that lady who screamed in your face, try not to take those interactions as if you messed up at your job. First off, you serve a role at the company (which I doubt you're completely loyal to if my understanding of your personality isn't too far off the mark). I've been a cashier and am doing help desk tech support. If a customer is unhappy, they just want to blurt it all out at someone and push their problems onto them (in this case, incompetency in knowing how to operate their own vehicle). It didn't have to be you. It was supposed to be someone in the Service department, and two; it could've been ANY other coworker of yours. You just happened to be there at that time. So the world isn't out to get you. Just remember that she was upset and naturally people will shout (at someone/something). You didn't do anything wrong (and obviously didn't deserve it; so not to be taken to heart).
My lack of social skills disallows me from dishing out any cookie-cutter sympathy customer service lines
, so all their complaints are met with an absence of an animated expression and a "oh damnnnnn-
that's not goooood" (my acting always fools 'em), and all I'm looking to do is to identify the underlying issue through all the whiny words used. I don't do well with bad apples, so my method of dealing with it is to cleanly and efficiently reach the end of the interaction. Being too transparent about your end of the interaction is giving away all the power you have in your role. That applies for me more than it does to you since you're not in service, but again:
you did what you could. If you didn't know why the service dept didn't wash her car (or if you didn't know if was a thing), then you legitimately didn't know. That's not your fault the car wasn't washed and makes no sense for you to take the blame for that.
But since you did know why the car wasn't washed, you did a great job informing her of the reason why. If she doesn't accept it,
that's not your fault. You did what you could in your role serving for the company. The company had a policy put in place, you followed it, and informed its customers of it. It wasn't your responsibility to wash the car, it's not in your job description so you weren't expected to clean it, so it's not your problem, and any complaints made are not for you to be accountable for.... so there's nothing to take personally when that lady wasn't happy to hear what you explained.
You don't have to make her care. You didn't do anything wrong here.
Re: Tire pressure warning: Again, she's familiar with you already, so naturally this is the easiest course to take from her POV. Annoying at best, but while you unfortunately didn't have a supervisor/manager around to step in to help, if you didn't push back in anyway, she has won control over you. In that position where a customer comes to you to complain about an issue, you can try saying something like "While I'm not as well-trained as the technicians, I can take a look." At least this way, in the event you don't actually know the fix to the issue, you can then push it onto the techs to look at (you know, taking a name, number and providing the info to the techs later). To the customer, this makes it look like you went the extra mile to help someone outside of your role, and that you provided a resolution that it would be looked at. To me, saying "I'll take care of it" assumes it's in your list of responsibilities to deal with technical issues, even though you're in Sales (doesn't matter if you know enough about cars to actually take care of it), because "You better!" sounds like affirmation that you have accepted this task like it was your job.
In my role, we get pulled in a million directions on getting things fixed, even outside the scope of my role and I've had to learn to draw the line with customers I support. Firmly stating it's not something I can handle (or am supposed to handle), while assuring the customer that they
will be looked after (by someone). In times like these, it does help to talk to someone about it, as I realize I'm not the only one who gets crap like this. My colleagues and my boss do too. Unsure if you have coworkers you can share these moments with too, but you're welcome to vent a bit with me over Facebook if you like. Sometimes it helps to take these situations and put a funny spin on it. That helps me redirect my attention away from frustration, and sometimes I'll be over the whole thing right after.
Again, you're more than welcome to reach out to me via Facebook to chat about any of this. If I wasn't completely off-base about the self-esteem thing, I have some resources I can share with you that you may find helpful.
Better to air it out than to let it fester.
Can't agree more. I've spoken less about my problems for fear of coming off as weak and hopelessly dependent. But I'm slowly accepting that it's just going to make things harder on myself, you have only one life, and other people ask for help too, so no sense in putting ridiculous standards on myself. My family doctor is probably tired of me calling for the 6th time about something as minor as nasal congestion, but I said screw it; it's their job to help.
