The General Relationship Thread

[Johnnypenso]

Getting ignored, don't know why. Female friend and I "went there" a few months ago, but nothing ever came of it and we remained friends. We've chatted a bunch since then, but I got the feeling about a month ago she needed space, so I gave her space. Called her three weeks ago and we ended up hanging out for a few hours. I haven't called her since, especially since she admitted she's been really depressed and has been isolating herself from the world, which she definitely seemed like she was. Well, I thought a few weeks was a good break so I called her but it rang twice and went to voicemail, so I left her a message saying what's up, hope she's feeling better, etc, and haven't heard back since. Pretty sure that's a classic ignore button move. She does live in the country and gets terrible service, but I've never experienced a dropped call mid-ring before. Obviously I care, as if this was any other friend I'd be like, whatever bro call me when you feel like it. But now I'm wondering why the change of heart? She's in a relationship, so it's not like she's hiding from me because of that and we were hunky-dory just a couple weeks ago. I made it pretty clear that I'm perfectly fine with our friendship and nothing has been creepy or awkward between us, so I'm just wondering what's up? We had a really deep talk last time about depression and she started crying, like she had been holding it in until that point, but admitted she was really sad and she's one who definitely clams up when they're sad, so I'm worried about her well-being too, because last time she said some pretty scary things. Or things are going good and she doesn't feel good talking to me in front of her partner and hit ignore. Whatever, I could wrack my brain all day trying to figure it out.

In my experience with depressed people and I have quite a bit, they are very adept at finding ways to withdraw, to push you away, to be unavailable etc. etc. etc. It's not a reflection on you or how she feels about you so get that out of your head. Sounds to me like your friend is in trouble and needs help. Casual conversations and making it easy for her to brush you off or push you away won't help her. You need to force your way in. Call unexpectedly, show up and tell her you want to go somewhere with her, stay in constant contact as best you can. Email, facebook, text, phone, whatever. No pressure, just fun, when she wants to talk about serious stuff you'll know. Don't constantly ask her what's wrong, focus on the positive as best you can. It'll be a struggle for sure, no one said it would be easy. She might need professional help, maybe just a shoulder to cry on. Only time will tell.

Forget about having any kind of "dating" relationship with her at this point if you really care about her. She's got bigger problems on her plate by the sounds of it.

 

[XS]

Current Relationship Status:



That's all I'm going to say for now. Thanks everybody who provided me with tips, or just simply read any of my posts. You are all part of this achievement and I thank you from the bottom of my heart 👍

Dude, so glad to hear it. I think you really deserve it 👍!

In my experience with depressed people and I have quite a bit, they are very adept at finding weighs to withdraw, to push you away, to be unavailable etc. etc. etc. It's not a reflection on you or how she feels about you so get that out of your head. Sounds to me like your friend is in trouble and needs help. Casual conversations and making it easy for her to brush you off or push you away won't help her. You need to force your way in. Call unexpectedly, show up and tell her you want to go somewhere with her, stay in constant contact as best you can. Email, facebook, text, phone, whatever. No pressure, just fun, when she wants to talk about serious stuff you'll know. Don't constantly ask her what's wrong, focus on the positive as best you can. It'll be a struggle for sure, no one said it would be easy. She might need professional help, maybe just a shoulder to cry on. Only time will tell.

Forget about having any kind of "dating" relationship with her at this point if you really care about her. She's got bigger problems on her plate by the sounds of it.

I care about her more than a friend should, if you catch my drift, but I'm working on that myself. That being said, she's been doing better, the relationship she's in is rocky at best, but they're working on it, so she seems happier about that. The last time we hung out she seemed like she was getting over the depression she finally admitted to me about, but there was a lot on her mind. Her current anxiety and depression I'm not sure about, she only admitted to being depressed in past-tense. Also, she was going to see someone professional with her partner a couple weeks ago, I hope they actually went. When she was most depressed she called me all the time to talk, so this time around I'm not sure what's going on. Also, there's a little fear that she's blocking me out because her man doesn't like me. I'm not sure how true that is, but he definitely saw that I was right there for her when things weren't going well, when he basically ignored her feelings all together. And while we didn't do or say a single thing during that time which was inappropriate, he still might take it the wrong way, I dunno. He liked me before, but i know he's made comments recently about her fooling around with me, which is not only untrue, but insulting to both of us. I'll be frank, there's a chance I may need to move out of state soon, and I worry about leaving our friendship in an unfortunate way, but more importantly, I worry about leaving her if she still needs me to be there for her as support. She said that she's always known that I hate where I live and that she's thought a lot about me leaving and has already "prepared herself" for me being gone one day, and while that's smart of her, it also kinda hurt. I hope she's doing fine, but she hasn't returned my call, text, and a short email that asked if she wanted to talk or if she needed space, so I'm over here like okay, do I give her more space, or like you said, force myself in? If so how? I don't know where her work is, and I'm not sure if she moved back in with her man, so that would be inappropriate to show up there. I do know where she goes to school, but her University is quite large and it would almost be like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to find her there. If it gets to the point where I cannot get ahold of her no matter what, I may message her sister on Facebook to at least make sure she's okay.

 

[Johnnypenso]

...snip... Also, there's a little fear that she's blocking me out because her man doesn't like me. I'm not sure how true that is, but he definitely saw that I was right there for her when things weren't going well, when he basically ignored her feelings all together. And while we didn't do or say a single thing during that time which was inappropriate, he still might take it the wrong way, I dunno. He liked me before, but i know he's made comments recently about her fooling around with me, which is not only untrue, but insulting to both of us. I'll be frank, there's a chance I may need to move out of state soon, and I worry about leaving our friendship in an unfortunate way, but more importantly, I worry about leaving her if she still needs me to be there for her as support. She said that she's always known that I hate where I live and that she's thought a lot about me leaving and has already "prepared herself" for me being gone one day, and while that's smart of her, it also kinda hurt. I hope she's doing fine, but she hasn't returned my call, text, and a short email that asked if she wanted to talk or if she needed space, so I'm over here like okay, do I give her more space, or like you said, force myself in? If so how? I don't know where her work is, and I'm not sure if she moved back in with her man, so that would be inappropriate to show up there. I do know where she goes to school, but her University is quite large and it would almost be like looking for a needle in a haystack trying to find her there. If it gets to the point where I cannot get ahold of her no matter what, I may message her sister on Facebook to at least make sure she's okay.

I'm feeling a mixed message here. You guys are close, she's preparing herself for you leaving. At the same time you don't know where she works, don't know if she's living with a dude and don't know how to find her at school. If you're relationship was really close I would think you would know those things. Maybe you should take a step back and look at this relationship with some objectivity.

Any dude that sees another guy sniffing around his woman, especially when the relationship is rocky, isn't going to be happy about it. There's nothing insulting about it, it's perfectly natural. Don't be indignant about it, accept it for what it is because he's right and you're wrong.

 

[XS]

I'm feeling a mixed message here. You guys are close, she's preparing herself for you leaving. At the same time you don't know where she works, don't know if she's living with a dude and don't know how to find her at school. If you're relationship was really close I would think you would know those things. Maybe you should take a step back and look at this relationship with some objectivity.

Any dude that sees another guy sniffing around his woman, especially when the relationship is rocky, isn't going to be happy about it. There's nothing insulting about it, it's perfectly natural. Don't be indignant about it, accept it for what it is because he's right and you're wrong.

Well, I guess a little history might might paint a better picture. Her job changed locations because the company expanded and they moved to a larger office and this happened in March when we didn't talk so I never got the scope on how the new office is. Her university has over 30,000 full time students, and it's a small city. I know what classes she takes and her schedule but there are over 300 students in her one class alone. I could have waited outside the buildings when her classes got out but trying to spot someone in a crowd of several thousand students walking to their next class is hard. I didn't know if she moved back in with him because the last time we hung out she said she was thinking about it, and I hadn't talked to her since. Her man and I have known each other for three years and I've always tried to be his friend and he knows I stick to my set of morals and never act wrong. He asked me if I would ever seduce her and I said never, ever, that's something I wouldn't even consider, which is absolutely true, and when she was single it was her that "went there", but yes I did choose to indulge, but no other man was in the picture at the time, and when she said she got back together with him, I actually congratulated him and we drank to together and had a good time. Well, she caught him cheating on her and amidst the fighting, he used me as ammunition and accused her of cheating with me because when she was going through depression she would call me and I would let her talk things through while he was out with his bar whore. Also, I'm not saying he should just man up and deal with the fact we're friends, but I said it was insulting because he knows for a fact that we didn't cheat and that I know he just used us as ammunition to justify his cheating. That's why it's insulting to us, because neither of us has ever done that, and we certainly never even dabbled on that boundary with each other. When she got back with him we both instantly changed our tunes accordingly, we stopped hanging out as much (yes she called a lot when she was depressed), there was no flirting, I made a point to also talk to him whenever I could, and it wasn't a conscious decision, we just did it because that's what you do when a friend of the opposite sex gets in a relationship, you back off and change your demeanor, out of respect. So for him to cheat, especially when she was already in a bad place, then accuse her of cheating and me of being a home wrecker as argument ammunition is, just, wrong... There's even more, but I'll just stop here, as these are the most recent developments. But no, you're right, I would be skeptical too, but this situation is quite complicated and I'm getting my head all mixed up trying to do the right thing for all three of us, so I've backed way off, let things air out, get all of our heads straight and hopefully things will work out for all of us. But the main point of my OP was concern for her well-being and I was worried she wasn't talking to me because of something I did. Well, she's doing better now, so I'm just gonna back off and let things calm down.

 

[Johnnypenso]

Her man and I have known each other for three years and I've always tried to be his friend and he knows I stick to my set of morals and never act wrong. He asked me if I would ever seduce her and I said never, ever, that's something I wouldn't even consider, which is absolutely true, and when she was single it was her that "went there", but yes I did choose to indulge, but no other man was in the picture at the time, and when she said she got back together with him, I actually congratulated him and we drank to together and had a good time. Well, she caught him cheating on her and amidst the fighting, he used me as ammunition and accused her of cheating with me because when she was going through depression she would call me and I would let her talk things through while he was out with his bar whore. Also, I'm not saying he should just man up and deal with the fact we're friends, but I said it was insulting because he knows for a fact that we didn't cheat and that I know he just used us as ammunition to justify his cheating. That's why it's insulting to us, because neither of us has ever done that, and we certainly never even dabbled on that boundary with each other. ...snip... So for him to cheat, especially when she was already in a bad place, then accuse her of cheating and me of being a home wrecker as argument ammunition is, just, wrong... There's even more, but I'll just stop here, as these are the most recent developments. But no, you're right, I would be skeptical too, but this situation is quite complicated and I'm getting my head all mixed up trying to do the right thing for all three of us, so I've backed way off, let things air out, get all of our heads straight and hopefully things will work out for all of us. But the main point of my OP was concern for her well-being and I was worried she wasn't talking to me because of something I did. Well, she's doing better now, so I'm just gonna back off and let things calm down.

It may be wrong for him in your eyes to cheat and accuse her of cheating, but that's the guy she's chosen to be with for better or worse, it's not up to you to judge him or their relationship until you walk a mile in his shoes. Sounds like she's young and/or immature and has a lot of growing up to do but again, I don't know the whole story and neither do you.

It's not him that has to man up and deal with the fact that you are friends my friend, it's you who has to man up and deal with the fact that he doesn't want another guy, whom she's been intimate with, sniffing around his woman, making all nice nice with her when they are going through a tough time. Every guy in the world not living in a monastery or the Vatican knows what that means. Search your moral code and find out where that fits in. It doesn't. Respect him and his relationship and leave her alone.

I don't think it's complicated at all, it's pretty simple actually. She's in a relationship, I'd back off and let her be. She'll figure it out on her own eventually and when she does there may be a chance for you, or not, depends on how the cards fall. If she calls you then talk to her of course, but in these situations I've found it's always better for her, and for you, if you are hard on her, not sympathetic. She doesn't need reassurance, sounds like she needs a kick in the a$$.

 

[cnd01]

I'm all smiles in the relationship world at the moment.

A tip for the day: rather than say "you look good", try to show her you think that instead. Trust me, girls don't like to be told that they are the best constantly.

 

[Slash]

Just another day...I really need to end this relationship I'm in and get the girl of my dreams out of hers...


...and because of my selfish stupidity and not listening to you guys the girl I am with is starting to get clingy and have attachment issues. I'm such a fool. I have no one to blame but myself for getting myself into this one. 👎

 

[Callum B]

Can't lie, being in a relationship is a strange feeling. Me and her are best friends as well as girl/boyfriend which is what I always feared in a relationship that I wouldn't have a connection on that level, but it's the first thing we made sure that if we were to break up that we stay friends... luckily I'm not planning on losing her anytime soon.

 

[Johnnypenso]

I'm all smiles in the relationship world at the moment.

A tip for the day: rather than say "you look good", try to show her you think that instead. Trust me, girls don't like to be told that they are the best constantly.

Advice for the ages...👍👍

Just another day...I really need to end this relationship I'm in and get the girl of my dreams out of hers...


...and because of my selfish stupidity and not listening to you guys the girl I am with is starting to get clingy and have attachment issues. I'm such a fool. I have no one to blame but myself for getting myself into this one. 👎

Agreed...

Can't lie, being in a relationship is a strange feeling. Me and her are best friends as well as girl/boyfriend which is what I always feared in a relationship that I wouldn't have a connection on that level, but it's the first thing we made sure that if we were to break up that we stay friends... luckily I'm not planning on losing her anytime soon.

Sounds like it's going well...good for you:tup:👍 See Cnd's advice above...SHOW her how you feel, more than you tell her how you feel...

 

[Callum B]

Sounds like it's going well...good for you:tup:👍 See Cnd's advice above...SHOW her how you feel, more than you tell her how you feel...

Oh believe me I show her how I feel... yah know you can make your own amalgamation in your mind of what that could mean.

 

[cnd01]

Oh believe me I show her how I feel... yah know you can make your own amalgamation in your mind of what that could mean.

Good man. Showing is way better. Especially in my case. My gf has been cheated on a lot, so she isn't very trusting. I've actually found it's a lot easier to show than tell anyway.

 

[Callum B]

Good man. Showing is way better. Especially in my case. My gf has been cheated on a lot, so she isn't very trusting. I've actually found it's a lot easier to show than tell anyway.

I've always believed the healthiest relationships are built on trust which is what we're doing well at creating, I'm starting to become relaxed and not on edge that bad stuff's going to happen any second.
More than could be said for his mate, he's been on edge since day one of his and he's been in one for about 4 months.

 

[cnd01]

I've always believed the healthiest relationships are built on trust which is what we're doing well at creating, I'm starting to become relaxed and not on edge that bad stuff's going to happen any second.
More than could be said for his mate, he's been on edge since day one of his and he's been in one for about 4 months.

I also believe trust as well as fun are two crucial elements of a fulfilling relationship whether it be a girlfriend or any friend in general. Something I heard the other day: two farmers prayed for rain. One went out and prepared his field while the other didn't. Guess who got the rain. That's my motto on trust. If I want my friends or girlfriend to trust me, I don't just tell them that. I have to show that I can be trusted by preparing my field for rain (metaphorically speaking) From the sounds of it, you're doing a good job 👍

 

[Slash]

So I have an update for everyone here. In my battle against, lets say substance abuse (I can't get into details as it's against the AUP to talk about) I have focused on winning that battle and have focuses less on the girl I am really head over heals for. The next task is giving up cigarettes, But that's another story.

Anyways what I am getting at is from support from my girlfriend I currently have I have put my effort on not thinking about this other girl and put my life ahead. In this time I've felt something inside me change to something more positive for my girlfriend. More attached, for lack of a better word.

So since her birthday was last week (and ironically enough the other girl I liked was the day after ) and I couldn't attend her birthday party today, I have arranged plans to take her to a late lunch tomorrow after school and present her with her birthday present while we are there. She's excited =P

 

[Luminis]

Guess who's got himself a new girlfriend?

Been dating her for a month or so, I figured it was about time to make it official. Kinda.

 

[Dean]

Congratulations !

 

[sesselpupser]

Guess who's got himself a new girlfriend?

Is it me? It's me, isn't it? Oh man, my other girlfriend isn't going to be happy with that, but thanks for letting me know.

No but really, please accept my highest of fives on this matter.

 

[Slash]

Awesome Luminis.

 

[MoLiEG]

Guess who's got himself a new girlfriend?

Been dating her for a month or so, I figured it was about time to make it official. Kinda.

Congratulations bro!!!!! !!!!

 

[Slash]

Lunch with the girl went well =P

 

[cnd01]

Lunch with the girl went well =P

Good. I try to limit the number of lunch/dinner dates my gf and I have because I find it awkward for conversation. Congrats on succeding though. It's always a great feeling when things went well. My gf and I are now 1 month official.

 

[Slash]

I just hit 2 months but really we've been together (dated before) for about 5 months. it did go well. Also gave her her birthday present =P

 

[cnd01]

I just hit 2 months but really we've been together (dated before) for about 5 months. it did go well. Also gave her her birthday present =P

Cool. I'm guessing that earned you some points .

 

[Slash]

=p

 

[locoman88]

Hey guys, I was wondering when the right time it is to get in a relationship with someone? Like after how many dates?

 

[Dean]

I believe, somewhere between 60 (2 months) to 180 days (6 months), but I'm not sure ...

 

[BobK]

Whenever it feels right for both of you. Don't try to adhere to a schedule, particularly someone else's schedule.

 

[trackripper123]

I might get back with my ex...

 

[sesselpupser]

Hey guys, I was wondering when the right time it is to get in a relationship with someone? Like after how many dates?

12, give or take 3. Basically if you aren't in a relationship by 6.30am on the 10th of May you're behind schedule, but the evening of the 5th is too soon.

In other words: What Bob said.

I might get back with my ex...

She's an ex for a reason, always remember that.

 

[Brend]

Well, looks like I'm gonna have a new girlfriend sooner rather than later. Been seeing a girl for about 2 months now, before that we were friends but we have always been more friendly than normal friends so when we ended up confessing our feelings it was 'expected' by my friends.

I think one of the reasons it took us so long to admit we liked each other is because of the age difference between us (17 and im 19, turning 20).