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Hello,
I wish to officially apply for the crappy car club.
I drive a 1991 BMW 518i. It's the E34 chassis and the M40 engine. 1.8 litre 4 cylinder 8 valve. about 115bhp, and about 1400kg. Both are approximate, as I've seen various figures.
Cons:
So slow it's not even funny. I get outrun by 1 litre 3 cylinder corsas, really I do.
14 years old.
0-60 in 14 seconds.
0-100 in too long to measure.
Sticking hydraulic tappet on cylinder 1, and now a worn cam lobe.
135000 miles.
Smokes a little on startup due to worn valve seals or guides.
Scratched bumpers and rear nearside arch. (Previous owner, I swear)
Exhaust entirely made from weld, I've fixed it 3 times to avoid buying a new one.
Open the bonnet and a huge engine bay has what resembles a sewing machie inside it, they fit 4 litre V8's in there!
Totally terrifying in the wet, sometimes it grips, sometimes it don't. Varies depending on the car's mood.
Does 400 miles on £50 of fuel.
Little bits of missing trim everywhere.
Torn driver's seat.
I wound up the idle to 1100 rpm, otherwise it's erratic, between 500 and 800 and sometimes when I stop it cuts out.
It overheats in traffic, and coolant vanishes without any visible leaks.
It smells when it's hot.
It smells less when it's cold.
Spiders live in the driver side wing mirror, and I cant kill them, cos they hide from the jet washer.
Pros:
Nice Dolphin grey metallic, very desirable colour.
Great chassis, nice balance, good grip and quick steering despite size and weight.
Some idiot bought an M-tec wing for it and debadged it, so it looks a bit posher than a 518. Maybe that's a con.
Almost all the electrics work.
I guess it's good for speeding tickets, I've never had one while owning it, it's just too slow.
Reasonable stereo.
That's everything I can think of. I think I get in cos it's a smoky rattly pile of crap that's worth £200.
So, do I make the grade?
Kurtis.
I wish to officially apply for the crappy car club.
I drive a 1991 BMW 518i. It's the E34 chassis and the M40 engine. 1.8 litre 4 cylinder 8 valve. about 115bhp, and about 1400kg. Both are approximate, as I've seen various figures.
Cons:
So slow it's not even funny. I get outrun by 1 litre 3 cylinder corsas, really I do.
14 years old.
0-60 in 14 seconds.
0-100 in too long to measure.
Sticking hydraulic tappet on cylinder 1, and now a worn cam lobe.
135000 miles.
Smokes a little on startup due to worn valve seals or guides.
Scratched bumpers and rear nearside arch. (Previous owner, I swear)
Exhaust entirely made from weld, I've fixed it 3 times to avoid buying a new one.
Open the bonnet and a huge engine bay has what resembles a sewing machie inside it, they fit 4 litre V8's in there!
Totally terrifying in the wet, sometimes it grips, sometimes it don't. Varies depending on the car's mood.
Does 400 miles on £50 of fuel.
Little bits of missing trim everywhere.
Torn driver's seat.
I wound up the idle to 1100 rpm, otherwise it's erratic, between 500 and 800 and sometimes when I stop it cuts out.
It overheats in traffic, and coolant vanishes without any visible leaks.
It smells when it's hot.
It smells less when it's cold.
Spiders live in the driver side wing mirror, and I cant kill them, cos they hide from the jet washer.
Pros:
Nice Dolphin grey metallic, very desirable colour.
Great chassis, nice balance, good grip and quick steering despite size and weight.
Some idiot bought an M-tec wing for it and debadged it, so it looks a bit posher than a 518. Maybe that's a con.
Almost all the electrics work.
I guess it's good for speeding tickets, I've never had one while owning it, it's just too slow.
Reasonable stereo.
That's everything I can think of. I think I get in cos it's a smoky rattly pile of crap that's worth £200.
So, do I make the grade?
Kurtis.
That sucks...
I don't care... I'll be getting a new radiator and maybe even an aftermarket exhaust since I guess I'm gonna be keeping it for longer than I thought. 
