Depression and Anxiety Thread
- Thread starter JohnBM01
- 2,254 comments
- 162,332 views
- 7,169
- Jakarta
Been a lot better lately, though it's only making me feel more paranoid for some reason. Like something bad is gonna happen and i'm gonna feel way worse than before.
Finding out that my close mates are all being depressed for much more better reason than i am kinda make me feel guilty for feeling like this so i just keep my feelings to myself.
Did i just said i'm feeling better ? Scratch that.
Finding out that my close mates are all being depressed for much more better reason than i am kinda make me feel guilty for feeling like this so i just keep my feelings to myself.
Did i just said i'm feeling better ? Scratch that.
- 13,907
- Adelaide
- Neomone
Don't feel guilty. There are sometimes no reasons for being depressed, you just are. Like you might catch a cold despite being healthy and clean. You're ill, and it's not your fault.
Maybe relevant story that also allows me to rant a little follows:
I have recently got what is essentially my dream job. It's not flash, but it's exactly what I want with my experience and at this time of my life and I'm being paid well. It hasn't even put a dent in my depression. If anything it makes it harder. It's nice in a way because it's a concrete thing to fight for, but my life is a constant struggle just to hold my 🤬 together enough to keep this job.
I think you could have the best life in the world and still be depressed. There are examples of famous people who were doing very well for themselves by any normal standard who were depressed. It's just a thing.
Personally, it doesn't help that I had concerns about my ability to cope before I started the job and I talked to my GP and psychologist about them. Their response was "just do it, you'll be fine, we don't need to do anything to help you, tell us if you have problems". Of course I have problems, but now I work 9-5 and so I can't just rock up to appointments whenever. Instead I have to wait months to get a 6:30pm appointment, so they essentially locked me out of getting treatment by not believing me when I told them how my brain and body would respond to a known situation.
Pissed off am I. They are now no longer my medical team, and I'm looking for another GP. It constantly amazes me how many trained medical professionals simply don't get this 🤬.
I'm still very positive about medication and the medical community as a tool to aid with depression, but they don't make it easy to get help from someone who actually gives a rats arse. If I had a broken leg, or cancer, or a third arm growing out of my nipple we'd be done by now.
Struggle on, brothers and sisters. Struggle on.
- 7,169
- Jakarta
I think the big problem is how most normal people react to the word "depression". It's not uncommon that someone who shares that they're depressed to their family or friends, and they would end up making the depressed one feel more guilty by comparing their problems or basically saying "some people had it worse".
I've gotten stuff like that in the past and it's playing a big part now that my depression seems like it's getting worse.
I've gotten stuff like that in the past and it's playing a big part now that my depression seems like it's getting worse.
- 2,865
- Australia
I know a guy who is a paraplegic, and he constantly whines and moans....... "Boo hoo, I can't use my legs. Blah, blah". Seriously, there are quadriplegics out there. How can he justify moaning about his legs in the face of that?
Well, actually...... pain is pain. It doesn't matter how it appears to compare with that of others. Even more poignant though is that this is the depression thread - if we're calling it a disease, it (depression) doesn't care whether or not it can justify giving you crippling mental modes. It indulges itself wantonly. It will happily dine on a meager offering, and pay in full with a full compliment of mental suffering, not for a second thinking that your life hasn't given it enough justification. Guilt be gone, I say - depression is just quite simply the worst, and the reasons for it are in this sense, arbitrary.
I was arguably my own worst enemy, but I maintain that in general they're absolutely hopeless. I would run rings around the many psychiatrists and psychologists I tried. To my own detriment though, as had I managed to embrace a lower functioning state, they may have been able to actually impart the little they had to offer.
Struggle on, brother.
- 13,907
- Adelaide
- Neomone
I've stopped calling it depression all together. Just describe the symptoms, if you have to. As soon as you call it depression people think that they know what you're talking about and they're totally wrong.
Psychiatrists and psychologists should be able to impart help regardless, imo. They're by definition dealing with people who are not functioning optimally, and so treating people despite that is just part of the job description.
I get the feeling though that doctors are so used to being treated as authorities that a lot of them don't actually know how to take a step back and say "That's odd, I'm not entirely sure what's going on but let's work together on it".
My old GP and psychologist went to enormous lengths to try and dissuade me from seeing a psychiatrist, which I don't understand. If you're trying to help someone, why would you stop them from getting more information? That seemed and still seems insane to me. I had the awful feeling that my psychologist was just in it for the money and my GP was just a clinic GP with too many patients and not enough :censored:s to give.
I want doctors that will teach me how to diagnose and treat myself. It's a 24/7 job, and I'm in a far better position to observe the effects than they are. Describing what I feel to them and then having them make decisions seems awfully like back seat driving to me.
INEEDNAWZZZ
Premium
- 1,836
- Lincoln
- EGGSBAWCKS
- DigitalLuke64DD
Need to rant, so here we go.
Everything has gone to poop right now. I tend to go through really bad phases of just avoiding the world sometimes, and this is one of those times, except its being exacerbated by absolutely everything else. I'm still unemployed after 4 months, with no desire to get back into work or even start looking. My parents don't understand that I have literally no drive to do anything, let alone look for work which makes me feel worse. I've got a girlfriend now, although she's far too clingy and struggles with giving me space when I need it (which, sadly, is almost all the time now). I can't deal with her issues at all, and it makes me feel awful as I can't muster up enough emotion or empathy to genuinely care. I've tried breaking up with her to make it easier for both of us, but she refuses to see it that way. Most of my friends are back at uni and busy with stuff, so I can't turn to them like I could over the summer.
At the end of September - 5 months after my GP made a referral - the phone rang, with the mental health team ringing up to tell me that they've finally made an initial phone appointment for me. Fantastic! Finally some good news. The appointment was a month after the phone call, but hey ho. Fast forward to the middle of October, 3 hours before my appointment, the clinic rings up and tells me they have to cancel. Bugger. But wait! They have a cancellation for two days after. I gladly accept, although the lady on the phone was noticeably trying to get me to wait till November. So two days later, I wait for the call. And wait... and wait... and wait... until 40 minutes later they ring and tell me their phone lines are down and I have to rearrange AGAIN, this time for the 24th of this month. My phone broke a few days before my initial appointment as well, which got me in a panic (basically if I'd have missed that call, they assume you don't want their help and don't ring back, and discharge you from the surgery), although by complete chance, my mum was able to give me her old phone as a replacement. My laptop broke a few days ago too, just to add to my annoyances.
On top of that, I've missed a few important things by complete accident, I'm comfort spending an awful lot at the moment, I still can't sleep, and I really am visibly down most days now. It's like I live in some strange, sick sitcom or something; someone above is pulling the strings and making my life a misery, and every time something starts to go my own way, they take it away so they can screw with me for s:censored: and giggles.
TL;DR - Sad all the time, health clinic is useless before I've even started treatment, unhappy relationship, bored, frustrated and tired.
Everything has gone to poop right now. I tend to go through really bad phases of just avoiding the world sometimes, and this is one of those times, except its being exacerbated by absolutely everything else. I'm still unemployed after 4 months, with no desire to get back into work or even start looking. My parents don't understand that I have literally no drive to do anything, let alone look for work which makes me feel worse. I've got a girlfriend now, although she's far too clingy and struggles with giving me space when I need it (which, sadly, is almost all the time now). I can't deal with her issues at all, and it makes me feel awful as I can't muster up enough emotion or empathy to genuinely care. I've tried breaking up with her to make it easier for both of us, but she refuses to see it that way. Most of my friends are back at uni and busy with stuff, so I can't turn to them like I could over the summer.
At the end of September - 5 months after my GP made a referral - the phone rang, with the mental health team ringing up to tell me that they've finally made an initial phone appointment for me. Fantastic! Finally some good news. The appointment was a month after the phone call, but hey ho. Fast forward to the middle of October, 3 hours before my appointment, the clinic rings up and tells me they have to cancel. Bugger. But wait! They have a cancellation for two days after. I gladly accept, although the lady on the phone was noticeably trying to get me to wait till November. So two days later, I wait for the call. And wait... and wait... and wait... until 40 minutes later they ring and tell me their phone lines are down and I have to rearrange AGAIN, this time for the 24th of this month. My phone broke a few days before my initial appointment as well, which got me in a panic (basically if I'd have missed that call, they assume you don't want their help and don't ring back, and discharge you from the surgery), although by complete chance, my mum was able to give me her old phone as a replacement. My laptop broke a few days ago too, just to add to my annoyances.
On top of that, I've missed a few important things by complete accident, I'm comfort spending an awful lot at the moment, I still can't sleep, and I really am visibly down most days now. It's like I live in some strange, sick sitcom or something; someone above is pulling the strings and making my life a misery, and every time something starts to go my own way, they take it away so they can screw with me for s:censored: and giggles.
TL;DR - Sad all the time, health clinic is useless before I've even started treatment, unhappy relationship, bored, frustrated and tired.
- 13,907
- Adelaide
- Neomone
Mate, you're hitting the worst of it all at once. My heart goes out to you.
While that may not literally be true, eventually it sure as hell feels like it and you've not got much choice other than to roll with it and wait for things to start going your way again.
I understand that you've got all these other things in your life at the moment that are making it harder, but the only thing that matters is you. Your time is to spend looking after yourself and do whatever it takes to get from one day to the next. If that means spending money or sleeping all day or whatever, please don't ever feel guilty about that. You do what you've gotta do to keep going.
-You don't need a job, you're too busy looking after yourself. Dealing with what you're going through is a full time job.
-All the people in your life like your parents and your girlfriend are important, but at the moment you're having a tough time and if they're not helping then don't feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to get the space you need.
-And don't get me started on the medical profession. They say they're there to help, but they sure make it hard sometimes.
If you want some completely unmedical and anecdotal advice of things to try and make your days a little easier, or just want to talk to someone who isn't connected with the rest of your life then please PM me.
INEEDNAWZZZ
Premium
- 1,836
- Lincoln
- EGGSBAWCKS
- DigitalLuke64DD
Thank you. I realise I kind of exploded last night and just typed stuff without properly explaining it. For what it's worth, I do already tend to try and look after myself as much as possible, whether it be just playing a video game, sorting out / rearranging my room, exercise, even just going for a walk around town. It's just that with nagging parents and a girlfriend who's in constant need of attention - and I do mean constant - it feels like I can't do any of these things as much, which (combined with everything else) makes me feel down.
My spending isn't as bad as it could be, I only tend to splurge on stuff once a month, it's just that I've done it twice this month and my mind must've decided I'd somehow bankrupted myself. The reality is that it barely put a dint in my savings in the long term. Won't go into it too much, but essentially two hours worth of work on minimum wage would cover my last three spending sprees. Plus, I'm buying stuff that I do genuinely want. It's not like I'm hoarding random crap to fill a void or what have you.
On a good or even just a 'meh' kind of day, I can deal with most of my issues. I'm well aware I'm not well, and I know what I need to make myself feel better. I think I'm not doing so well now because it feels like I can't do the things I need to fix myself. That said, I'm in a strangely productive mood today and going to try and just cross some things off of my internal to-do list if you will. I will PM in future if I'm not sure what to do however!
Unrelated, but one thing that's kind of weird is that a lot of people with depression think others don't care about them and want to just talk with someone. With me however, I've come to realise that it's the opposite; I generally prefer being left to my own devices and doing my own thing. People do care, so I'm not concerned about that at all. Obviously I'm not gonna shut myself away forever, but I've found that socialising really tires me out, both physically and mentally, which in turn makes me sad for a little bit. Anyone else get like that?
My spending isn't as bad as it could be, I only tend to splurge on stuff once a month, it's just that I've done it twice this month and my mind must've decided I'd somehow bankrupted myself. The reality is that it barely put a dint in my savings in the long term. Won't go into it too much, but essentially two hours worth of work on minimum wage would cover my last three spending sprees. Plus, I'm buying stuff that I do genuinely want. It's not like I'm hoarding random crap to fill a void or what have you.
On a good or even just a 'meh' kind of day, I can deal with most of my issues. I'm well aware I'm not well, and I know what I need to make myself feel better. I think I'm not doing so well now because it feels like I can't do the things I need to fix myself. That said, I'm in a strangely productive mood today and going to try and just cross some things off of my internal to-do list if you will. I will PM in future if I'm not sure what to do however!
Unrelated, but one thing that's kind of weird is that a lot of people with depression think others don't care about them and want to just talk with someone. With me however, I've come to realise that it's the opposite; I generally prefer being left to my own devices and doing my own thing. People do care, so I'm not concerned about that at all. Obviously I'm not gonna shut myself away forever, but I've found that socialising really tires me out, both physically and mentally, which in turn makes me sad for a little bit. Anyone else get like that?
- 4,156
- United States
People like to point out how I'm very self depreciating, but it's me being honest with myself. Some get annoyed by it, some accept it.
I realize that, among so many, I am no one. I don't seek out approval from people, and I don't seek most people unless they take the time to seek me.
I wouldn't even call myself depressed. I've just realized the unnecessary pretence that people put behind their lives to make themselves seem more important than others.
Due to all this, it has gotten hard for me to accept ****** conversation about achievements some have had, but it also cuts me short in terms of the standards i have. I don't know. I'm just ranting.
Most of the things I do just to do. Drawing, ceramics, photography etc just to keep me from losing my mind. I take photos and make art (this is an example) and I notice people value what I do more than I do. I also find people forming my work into statements that I never even thought about.
I guess you can say there is no passion behind what I do. I'm just a robot that creates and ignores what it has to avoid looking like a pompous ass.
Really ranting now. Just annoyed.
I realize that, among so many, I am no one. I don't seek out approval from people, and I don't seek most people unless they take the time to seek me.
I wouldn't even call myself depressed. I've just realized the unnecessary pretence that people put behind their lives to make themselves seem more important than others.
Due to all this, it has gotten hard for me to accept ****** conversation about achievements some have had, but it also cuts me short in terms of the standards i have. I don't know. I'm just ranting.
Most of the things I do just to do. Drawing, ceramics, photography etc just to keep me from losing my mind. I take photos and make art (this is an example) and I notice people value what I do more than I do. I also find people forming my work into statements that I never even thought about.
I guess you can say there is no passion behind what I do. I'm just a robot that creates and ignores what it has to avoid looking like a pompous ass.
Really ranting now. Just annoyed.
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- 26,911
- Houston, Texas, USA
- JMarine25
See? The recent post by FrzGT is proof that even the smallest or most insignificant things can go a long way towards helping people be and feel better. Most of you know I believe in positive thinking and in being thoughtful. Even those little things can provide relief from depression. They may not eradicate or cure depression, but at least these things are better than living with depression for a good amount of your life. Wonderful. Thanks for sharing that Cracked article.
- 4,559
- Minnesota
- TJ136
So I went onto a facebook profile, the one that kinda ended up putting me down so I wrote this.
So here is the deal.
I am going to share how I feel.
All this seems to real.
I guess I need to heal.
I want this to be ideal.
I just wanted to show.
How much you glow.
Trying to go with the flow.
I feel really low.
You are a big flirt,
Yet I am now hurt.
I wanted to believe,
I just might leave.
I wanted to flee
I wanted to be me.
You have a degree
I am carefree.
This is going to haunt
This is all I want.
Now I question why?
All I want to do is cry.
I can just try.
You wanted to buy
I might just say bye.
You were my queen.
I feel so green.
I had time to think,
I still need a drink
All I wish for is we are in sync.
So here is the deal.
I am going to share how I feel.
All this seems to real.
I guess I need to heal.
I want this to be ideal.
I just wanted to show.
How much you glow.
Trying to go with the flow.
I feel really low.
You are a big flirt,
Yet I am now hurt.
I wanted to believe,
I just might leave.
I wanted to flee
I wanted to be me.
You have a degree
I am carefree.
This is going to haunt
This is all I want.
Now I question why?
All I want to do is cry.
I can just try.
You wanted to buy
I might just say bye.
You were my queen.
I feel so green.
I had time to think,
I still need a drink
All I wish for is we are in sync.
Not sure. But I think this is my real problem:
https://www.quora.com/What-to-do-w...and-you-become-a-closed-and-reserved-creature
In real world, it's probably rather downplayed. But.....
Sure as hell GTP is. Main reason I dont really visit here much anymore. Probably because they're relatively strangers per se. But alot others come off much better.
- 1,962
- A field in England
I wouldn't normally post here. I'm generally a pretty angry person, but I figure it's my problem, not yours.
This week has been a different one, however.
About 11 months ago, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Pond booked his car in where I work (that being an ex-Peugeot main dealer with a penchant for ripping people off) for a service. It was a little Peugeot 106 with the 1.1 litre TU engine. I picked it up for him from his house because he wasn't really able to drive at the time (he was quite ill).
He was a lovely chap. Talkative. I felt a bit sorry for him - he seemed a bit lonely. But anyway, I got the car back to the workshop, and while it was there we found a head gasket leak (common on the TU engine). Being the service advisor, I was the one who had to call and tell him what was wrong. He was happy for us to go ahead and fix it.
So, we did a basic service, a head gasket and a few small odds 'n' sods. My service manager charged him seven hundred pounds sterling for the work done. On a car worth about £250. We could have easily charged less.
Needless to say I was feeling pretty crap about myself for ripping this poor old man off. He came back later in the year for an oil and filter change (I'm guessing he thought his car was on 6 month intervals). His car didn't need it though. It hadn't done the miles to warrant it. Not that my service manager cared, because he still booked Mr. Pond in and charged him £110 for it. An oil and filter change which could have been done for £45, and we charged him £110.
As I found out on remembrance day this week, it turns out that Mr. Pond is actually none other than Albert Pond. Albert Pond is an English tank commander, and a war veteran who spent most of WWII in North Africa, before being captured and spending a year in AUSCHWITZ. He was haunted by what he saw there. He even came into my school 8 years ago to do a demonstration on WWII. He is a gentleman, and he is a hero.
Or, he was a hero. He passed away last month at the age of 93. In his last 9 months on this planet we took nearly one thousand pounds from him, all for the sake of petty money grubbing on my boss' part.
Doesn't give me a great deal of hope for humanity, and I feel ashamed of myself for letting it happen. I sincerely hope my place of work burns for the things we've done.
This week has been a different one, however.
About 11 months ago, a gentleman by the name of Mr. Pond booked his car in where I work (that being an ex-Peugeot main dealer with a penchant for ripping people off) for a service. It was a little Peugeot 106 with the 1.1 litre TU engine. I picked it up for him from his house because he wasn't really able to drive at the time (he was quite ill).
He was a lovely chap. Talkative. I felt a bit sorry for him - he seemed a bit lonely. But anyway, I got the car back to the workshop, and while it was there we found a head gasket leak (common on the TU engine). Being the service advisor, I was the one who had to call and tell him what was wrong. He was happy for us to go ahead and fix it.
So, we did a basic service, a head gasket and a few small odds 'n' sods. My service manager charged him seven hundred pounds sterling for the work done. On a car worth about £250. We could have easily charged less.
Needless to say I was feeling pretty crap about myself for ripping this poor old man off. He came back later in the year for an oil and filter change (I'm guessing he thought his car was on 6 month intervals). His car didn't need it though. It hadn't done the miles to warrant it. Not that my service manager cared, because he still booked Mr. Pond in and charged him £110 for it. An oil and filter change which could have been done for £45, and we charged him £110.
As I found out on remembrance day this week, it turns out that Mr. Pond is actually none other than Albert Pond. Albert Pond is an English tank commander, and a war veteran who spent most of WWII in North Africa, before being captured and spending a year in AUSCHWITZ. He was haunted by what he saw there. He even came into my school 8 years ago to do a demonstration on WWII. He is a gentleman, and he is a hero.
Or, he was a hero. He passed away last month at the age of 93. In his last 9 months on this planet we took nearly one thousand pounds from him, all for the sake of petty money grubbing on my boss' part.
Doesn't give me a great deal of hope for humanity, and I feel ashamed of myself for letting it happen. I sincerely hope my place of work burns for the things we've done.
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- 2,121
- AL
- GTP_Casey
- CaseyP15279
I don't like to post here but I'm starting to feel like I maybe depressed.
Possibly the main thing making me feel depressed is that I've applied for so many jobs and have yet to even get a single interview making me feel pretty much useless.
Also I'm not really the type of person to feel lonely but I'm starting to feel that way, it's hard to find good friends where I live and it seems as like the friends I had have abandoned me for ones with more money.
Possibly the main thing making me feel depressed is that I've applied for so many jobs and have yet to even get a single interview making me feel pretty much useless.
Also I'm not really the type of person to feel lonely but I'm starting to feel that way, it's hard to find good friends where I live and it seems as like the friends I had have abandoned me for ones with more money.
- 1,962
- A field in England
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm in the same boat on the job front. If you're young, a decent job is something of a rarity. Instead I'm stuck working 53 hours a week on minimum wage for a bunch of pirates who rip people off on their cars.
In terms of good friends, even just one is enough, if you know they're not going to mess you around. If you find one, keep in touch and don't let them leave your life.
- 2,121
- AL
- GTP_Casey
- CaseyP15279
Well it's just feeling like it's kinda hopeless and I'm going to be kicked out of my parents house soon but hopefully not.
I do agree, people that try to mess around with me is actually one of the main things that bothers me such as some trying to get me to do illegal drugs and stuff like that, it's became a problem where I live. I do really appreciate some of the friends I have made on here though.
There are other things making me feel down but I don't feel like talking about them right now.
- 1,962
- A field in England
I get that hopelessness. I've been looking around for a different job for a year now. Main problem with my job is my colleague. My boss is a child and a pirate but the constant belittling from my colleague is something else. It's a shame people like him exist, but hey ho.
Hope you find yourself something decent soon. Good luck.
- 4,541
- Los Angeles
- racingheartruby
- RubyWooby
Well, I thought I could never go as low in my life to seek help on GTP, a forum that I really do hate, but here I go.
As I sit here trying to figure out what the hell to write for my essay, I wonder why I'm at this college in the first place. It will become the second essay I haven't turned in for the class, and frankly, I don't really care. My life has been on a complete downwards spiral ever since that day in March that I ended up in the mental clinic.
I really really just wanted to go to trade school, but my family didn't support me at all. In fact, they don't support me in anything at all. They spat on me for even considering going to a technical school, saying that I were to be a shame to the family if I ever went 'as low as a trade school'.
So I succumbed. My father is super intimidating. If things don't go his way, he usually yells at me or even starts to hit me. And to make up for it, he spends money on me without any emotion put into it. Just countless stuff I really don't want. So anyways, first few weeks of college were nothing special. I hated my Political Science teacher though. He was a white man in his 60s, super passive aggressive and racist. He would pick on me all the time and there was nothing I could do other than drop that class. That class was boring and uninteresting as hell anyways.
So then my math class is alright, but I hate math. Nothing gets me angrier than mathematical equations. So I started to pay attention, but lost focus due to me not understanding anything and becoming lost, so boring, so uninteresting, so soul suckingly horrid.
English 101 is where I'm supposed to be strong at, but alas, I have yet to turn in 2 essays yet. The topics are uninteresting... Everytime I get to writing, I just want to go to the kitchen and stab my self with a big knife, and just twist it to further add to it too.
And it all goes back to my life is just uninteresting, boring, and not what I want at all. Well, I bet many are asking why I just cut off support from my mom and dad. I should, but I'm just stuck in their support every time. I feel as if I can't escape. I feel as if my dad spends money on me to remind me that he still owns my ass, and my mom does the same too.
And my sister. My sister is horrid. She works around kids my age counseling them, yet she comes home and yells at me, tells me to do chores, I have to bend over for her every time she's at home. She hates every idea that I come up with, she doesn't recognize my own ambitions, and it's clear that she wants me dead. Every day, she's just finding another reason to hurt my feelings, to put me down, to use me as her personal maid or assistant. She also kinda hits me too when I don't do the things she wants me to do. She was the primary reason I didn't go to trade school, because she told my parents how horrid it was and that I'll end up a failure, working as a ghetto mechanic, etc etc...
Okay, sorry, back to the clinic. High school was horrid to me. I had a severe case of depression that started in the 10th grade. My best and only real life friend just hung me out to dry and disappeared, and I had no contact with her for the whole year. I was extremely lonely, and this is where my sister also started to be horrible to me. So I really had no one to talk to, so my teacher recommended a therapist. I went through maybe months until I stopped therapy, and I hooked up with my reappearing best friend at the end of the 10th grade. It was for the worst. We were together for two years, but it was a waste of time. She manipulated me a ton, she knew I was desperate. She had me run errands for her friends, we could only meet on her schedule, and she was ashamed of being together with me in public. I finally snapped and broke up with her in a spectacular fashion, learning from my sister and yelling at her. Luckily I held myself back, not laying a finger.
I'm weak-minded, so this moment really did stick in my head forever. Every day I would wonder if I were the problem, if I were the one that did something wrong. It led me to think a ton and led me to admitting that I attempted suicide to my counselor. The moment where I was transported via ambulance tied to a gurney, being watched over by bored and tired medical crew was the most humiliating of my life. I was just strapped like a freak to that gurney, and they took it so whimsically. Of course, my father was the one that made the decision to take me to the clinic, since I was under 18.
I will never forget that place. Old reclining chairs, TV with bars on it on a high up place, full blast on Nickelodeon all night, all the kids didn't speak to one another (or weren't allowed to either), got told I was a worthless piece of **** by the 'therapist' there, was ridiculed, stayed there for 2 days. Didn't have anything to eat but bread 2 times a day, came out pale, hungry, and really much worse than before.
I got stuck with another therapist and a contract too, so I have to wait until January unless I want to pay, and my dad is really stingy with that too. Meds have been messing me up as well. They're making me super drowsy and unable to focus like I used to. I've been noticing my driving getting horrid whenever I fire up iRacing or Assetto Corsa, I don't drive as I used to with these meds and I'm quickly losing interest, and they don't even help my mood anyways...
I know this was all over the place, but I can't think right now. I'm burnt out from college already and I just have to get this in. I really feel like opening up to you guys
As I sit here trying to figure out what the hell to write for my essay, I wonder why I'm at this college in the first place. It will become the second essay I haven't turned in for the class, and frankly, I don't really care. My life has been on a complete downwards spiral ever since that day in March that I ended up in the mental clinic.
I really really just wanted to go to trade school, but my family didn't support me at all. In fact, they don't support me in anything at all. They spat on me for even considering going to a technical school, saying that I were to be a shame to the family if I ever went 'as low as a trade school'.
So I succumbed. My father is super intimidating. If things don't go his way, he usually yells at me or even starts to hit me. And to make up for it, he spends money on me without any emotion put into it. Just countless stuff I really don't want. So anyways, first few weeks of college were nothing special. I hated my Political Science teacher though. He was a white man in his 60s, super passive aggressive and racist. He would pick on me all the time and there was nothing I could do other than drop that class. That class was boring and uninteresting as hell anyways.
So then my math class is alright, but I hate math. Nothing gets me angrier than mathematical equations. So I started to pay attention, but lost focus due to me not understanding anything and becoming lost, so boring, so uninteresting, so soul suckingly horrid.
English 101 is where I'm supposed to be strong at, but alas, I have yet to turn in 2 essays yet. The topics are uninteresting... Everytime I get to writing, I just want to go to the kitchen and stab my self with a big knife, and just twist it to further add to it too.
And it all goes back to my life is just uninteresting, boring, and not what I want at all. Well, I bet many are asking why I just cut off support from my mom and dad. I should, but I'm just stuck in their support every time. I feel as if I can't escape. I feel as if my dad spends money on me to remind me that he still owns my ass, and my mom does the same too.
And my sister. My sister is horrid. She works around kids my age counseling them, yet she comes home and yells at me, tells me to do chores, I have to bend over for her every time she's at home. She hates every idea that I come up with, she doesn't recognize my own ambitions, and it's clear that she wants me dead. Every day, she's just finding another reason to hurt my feelings, to put me down, to use me as her personal maid or assistant. She also kinda hits me too when I don't do the things she wants me to do. She was the primary reason I didn't go to trade school, because she told my parents how horrid it was and that I'll end up a failure, working as a ghetto mechanic, etc etc...
Okay, sorry, back to the clinic. High school was horrid to me. I had a severe case of depression that started in the 10th grade. My best and only real life friend just hung me out to dry and disappeared, and I had no contact with her for the whole year. I was extremely lonely, and this is where my sister also started to be horrible to me. So I really had no one to talk to, so my teacher recommended a therapist. I went through maybe months until I stopped therapy, and I hooked up with my reappearing best friend at the end of the 10th grade. It was for the worst. We were together for two years, but it was a waste of time. She manipulated me a ton, she knew I was desperate. She had me run errands for her friends, we could only meet on her schedule, and she was ashamed of being together with me in public. I finally snapped and broke up with her in a spectacular fashion, learning from my sister and yelling at her. Luckily I held myself back, not laying a finger.
I'm weak-minded, so this moment really did stick in my head forever. Every day I would wonder if I were the problem, if I were the one that did something wrong. It led me to think a ton and led me to admitting that I attempted suicide to my counselor. The moment where I was transported via ambulance tied to a gurney, being watched over by bored and tired medical crew was the most humiliating of my life. I was just strapped like a freak to that gurney, and they took it so whimsically. Of course, my father was the one that made the decision to take me to the clinic, since I was under 18.
I will never forget that place. Old reclining chairs, TV with bars on it on a high up place, full blast on Nickelodeon all night, all the kids didn't speak to one another (or weren't allowed to either), got told I was a worthless piece of **** by the 'therapist' there, was ridiculed, stayed there for 2 days. Didn't have anything to eat but bread 2 times a day, came out pale, hungry, and really much worse than before.
I got stuck with another therapist and a contract too, so I have to wait until January unless I want to pay, and my dad is really stingy with that too. Meds have been messing me up as well. They're making me super drowsy and unable to focus like I used to. I've been noticing my driving getting horrid whenever I fire up iRacing or Assetto Corsa, I don't drive as I used to with these meds and I'm quickly losing interest, and they don't even help my mood anyways...
I know this was all over the place, but I can't think right now. I'm burnt out from college already and I just have to get this in. I really feel like opening up to you guys
- 5,212
- Nicest part of hell
Has anyone ever felt like being at war with the world itself?
It certainly feels that way for me, whenever I make a move to improve my situation, be it socially, at work or in other areas of life the world answers immediately with a move to counter or nullify my advance. To gain even the tiniest amount of ground insane battles have to be fought tooth and nail. And such victories never last long.
Whenever I take a break or let my guard down a hailstorm of problems is launched into my direction. It feels like I'm in a constant battle with the world itself, it tries to bring me to my knees as hard as it can whenever it sees a tiny gap in my defense or when it senses that I'm trying to launch a counter attack.
It feels like absolutely everything that isn't me is against me - or used against me- in some way or form.
This is of course metaphorical nonsense thinking but I can't help to compare my life with this situation because it describes what I feel really well.
It certainly feels that way for me, whenever I make a move to improve my situation, be it socially, at work or in other areas of life the world answers immediately with a move to counter or nullify my advance. To gain even the tiniest amount of ground insane battles have to be fought tooth and nail. And such victories never last long.
Whenever I take a break or let my guard down a hailstorm of problems is launched into my direction. It feels like I'm in a constant battle with the world itself, it tries to bring me to my knees as hard as it can whenever it sees a tiny gap in my defense or when it senses that I'm trying to launch a counter attack.
It feels like absolutely everything that isn't me is against me - or used against me- in some way or form.
This is of course metaphorical nonsense thinking but I can't help to compare my life with this situation because it describes what I feel really well.
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- 1,329
- NRW
- Vinylshark
So I had a random thought today about suicide and what people think about it.
It seems that most people think that suicide is like one of the most selfish things one can do. But isn't it actually just as selfish to demand/expect/want someone to keep forcing himself through day after day, even thought this person is clearly tired and left without any strength and will to keep up the fight, just so you can keep living your life the same way and don't have to grieve?
It seems that most people think that suicide is like one of the most selfish things one can do. But isn't it actually just as selfish to demand/expect/want someone to keep forcing himself through day after day, even thought this person is clearly tired and left without any strength and will to keep up the fight, just so you can keep living your life the same way and don't have to grieve?
- 2,865
- Australia
I remember turning up to see my psychiatrist one day and saying to him "I worry that I have too high an opinion of myself". He was taken aback a little, and explained that it was very much the opposite attitude to that which many of his patients had adopted. Thing about depression though is it still gets you. We don't all suffer from low self esteem here, even if we do suffer from depression. I don't know that we can look at anyone and presume that they would be immune, even if they view themselves as having been "born better".
@Suzumiya - I'm not sure that I have anything to share at the moment, but I wanted to acknowledge your post. I'd hate for you to think that no-one even read it.
syntex123
Staff Emeritus
- 5,062
- Tønsberg, Norway
- syntex123
- Syntex260Z
I would say so. Same with euthanasia, which is illegal here in Norway. I support it, but not fully. Like, if a person would die no matter what and the hospital hooks that person up to a machine just to make the wait for death longer, why keep him/her alive when (s)he isn't even concious? It's surely torture for the sake of the dependents wish to not lose him/her. That's selfish too. Both is sad though, suicide and euthanasia. But I guess there's nothing the dependents can do, if they can't understand they should accept, even though it's very sad..
Oh and guys and gals of the 'planet. If anyone wishes to talk, about anything at all, I'm here for y'all. I like to try to help people. And talk about all kinds of stuff. And if anyone needs a friend that's there, I'm here. PM me if you feel like it.
I have my days where my depression takes me to dark places, but I do believe just talking to people is therapy enough sometimes. I'm not a social person, even though I was. I like to use my phone and be social there instead, if you know what I mean.
I have my days where my depression takes me to dark places, but I do believe just talking to people is therapy enough sometimes. I'm not a social person, even though I was. I like to use my phone and be social there instead, if you know what I mean.
A little update from my side though, I recently discovered my sleeping illness was DSPD. Which sucks. I have to do light therapy, which most likely won't work for long. When I'm done I might be back to where I was. It sucks. It wears me out, I lack energy to enjoy stuff, I lack energy to do stuff, all I've done these days - eat, sleep, GTP, Netflix, game, repeat. Oh well. I get anxious when I'm thinking about getting a job, I know the normal nine to five won't work for me. I'd only last a few days. Meh. So many bills so little money.
