Chapter 7 - ASBO-tastic
Location: Circuito de la Pradera, Spain (about 40 miles from Madrid)
Date: June 26th, 2011
I finished admiring my car's new look.
"So," asked Kamui,
"what's the wing for?"
"At Rome and Madrid, the car felt a bit oversteery on corner exit."
"I thought you liked oversteer?"
"It's a bit of an annoyance. Besides, I checked out this track on Google Earth. There's a really long right-hander, which goes on for at least 6 to 8 seconds."
"How did you guess that?"
"I used the route tracing thingy. At a speed of 160km/h, it'd take me around 7 seconds."
Junichi arrived.
"I can hardly breathe in this heat..."
"Take your shirt off, then."
"And then I'll get sunburn."
He gasped as he took a sip out of his Coke.
"Where are these guys anyway?"
All of a sudden, I heard loud exhausts in the distance. A minute later, three poorly modified cars, with "Hot Import Nights" stickers all over their interiors screeched to a halt on the grid.
"What the hell is that crap coming from their speakers?"
"I think that's DJ Azur's so-called 'music'."
Three tracksuit-clad men emerged from the cars.
"Hey Gazza," said the Civic's driver as he pointed at my car,
"what's that car there?"
"Dunno, Dazza mate," said "Gazza," the driver of the VW.
"Is it a Hyundai?" asked the driver of the Focus Sanitary Towel (yes, I've seen Top Gear's review of the Focus ST).
"Dunno Wazza," said "Gazza" as he addressed "Wazza," the Sanitary Towel's driver.
"Nice Focus Sanitary Towel there."
"You wot?"
"She's speakin' Chinese, innit."
"I'm Japanese, actually."
"Why isn't you drowned?"
"Please stop butchering YOUR OWN LANGUAGE, YOU BRAIN-DEAD MORONS."
"Maybe they has grown whatever them fishes have."
"Do I look like I have gills, ignoramus?"
"What's that?"
"An ignora-"
"No, what's gills?"
"It's what fish use to breathe underwater. An ignoramus is someone of incredible stupidity."
"Wait a minute, Terminator-Eye said this bitch is bi!"
"And? So what?"
Junichi could hardly contain the shock.
"Aki-chan...do you and Miyu...you know..."
"Yes."
"ANNE WIDDECOMBE, ANNE WIDDECOMBE, ANNE WIDDECOMBE..."
"Stop saying that fat cow's name!"
"Right, are we going to race, or what?"
"You took out our Road Course Lieutenant, you little slut."
"Yeah, so we is gonna be on our baddest behaviour."
"I didn't take out Scar Suzuki, if that's what you mean. How much do you want to wager?"
"Ten grand each."
I reach into a bag and pull out €10,000. "Keep this safe, Toshiya," I said as we handed our cash over to him.
I told these retards to stop butchering the English language. Oh well, never mind. I can kick their asses on the track.
I jumped back into my car, and waited for Junichi to blow the horn for the start. I started up the camera system hooked up to Kamui's laptop.
"5...4...
"Hey, what the 🤬?! They jumped the start!"
"Oh my God..."
"What is it, Toshiya?"
"That Civic is turbocharged! HONDA BLASPHEMY!"
I pushed my foot to the floor.
"Goddamn...sometimes I'm as rough on these tyres as Aki-chan is on...oh, never mind."
"Bloody 'ell, this thing is...is it called understeering?"
Your lack of brains disturbs me.
"I can catch right up under braking, and I doubt the VW is a rocket on the straights."
"We seem to be on level pegging through the corners...I wonder why..."
"Hey, lads, I'm hitting 120mph in this!"
"OHMYGODIWANTMYMUMMY!"
"I want her too, she's absolutely fit!"
"Watch this, this is drifting!"
"That's just wheelspin, dumbass. And it isn't drifting..."
"...this is drifting!"
"🤬 hell, she's 🤬 demented!"
"I can't hold her back!"
"Like Aki-chan says, bend over!"
The Sanitary Towel's driver understeered heavily through what I think resembles Istanbul Park's Turn 8.
"OI! WATCH IT WAZZA, YOU 🤬!"
"Wazza," in an attempt to stay ahead, braked too late. He was forced to use the handbrake.
"MUMMY!"
While fighting the car, "Wazza" pissed himself.
"Wazza, you prick, you ruined my paintjob!"
It was already ruined when you chose it...
"Why are they so fast in the corners? These guys clearly lack driving ski-"
"ARE THOSE...RACING SLICKS?!"
"Your skills are pathetic! If you were on semi-slicks, like me, you would have ran home crying to your crack dens by now!"
"Those cars are poorly set up, too!"
I lined up behind "Dazza" on the main straight. The trouble is, he obviously had NOS.
"VTEC just kicked in!"
Toshiya, on the pit wall, looked disgusted.
"They know 🤬-all about tuning Hondas."
"What, like getting the wrong fart can?"
"No! It's all about engine tuning, not just slamming on a huge turbo. That's the tuning noob's way."
I rubbed off the black layer of paint to reveal another coat of orange paint on the Honda.
Why would someone waste money on 3 coats of paint?
Then, "Dazza" shoved me over to the dirt. I had to back off.
"GODDAMN CHEAT!"
"Kept that lead warm for ya, Dazza mate!"
But then, "Dazza" slammed against the wall at turn 1. Surprisingly, he survived.
"OI! WHAT D'YOU THINK YOU IS DOIN'?"
"I've got a piece of 🤬 VW to catch!"
"Gazza" moved back and forth in his seat in an attempt to eke out a few tenths of a km/h.
"WHOA!"
My friends gasped as they watched the camera bob up and down. Then, the signal was lost.
"NO! MIYU!"
"Goddammit, the camera's broken!"
"Dazza" took advantage of my slower speed to regain 2nd. He childishly stuck his tongue out of me.
"It won't last, moron."
"WHAT THE 🤬?!"
"WHOA! NOT AGAIN!"
I pull the car away from certain doom.
"If Terminator-Eye wants this bitch taken out, then I'll take her out!"
"GWAH!!!"
I was immediately transferred back to those dark memories of my 1st race with Scar.
I was lucky, and I kept my cool. "Dazza," on the other hand...
"OH 🤬!"
A spectator leaped out of the way as the Civic went straight for the floodlights.
I put my hand to my chest. My heart was beating like crazy.
"OK, Mk. 1 Golf GTi, prepare for the full power of the S15 Silvia!"
I threw my car into the corners. I used the gutterhook technique to get my inside wheels in that sweet spot between off-road and the tarmac.
"What you playin' at, bitch? There's no way past my Golf!"
"WAAH! SHE'S BESIDE ME ALREADY?"
I had to brake early, as I wasn't on the best line.
"Okay, you can run, but you can't fly!"
I engaged in a little bit of countersteering at the exit of the last corner.
"Come on, my S15's hungry!"
"Gazza" used his nitrous to try to counteract my efforts.
"Silly boy...I trained under my brother and his partner, and they specialise in late braking. Do you honestly think I won't pick up on that?"
Not even the better grip of the Golf's tyres could let it brake earlier.
"Go ahead, make my day."
Although he had better corner exit traction, this was soon negated by the raw power of the S15.
"Not even all of the nitrous in the world can save you now!"
"Oh, has your friend returned?"
The Civic bore some obvious scars from its off-road excursion.
I nailed the apex coming out of turn 3.
I backed off for the Turn 8 replica.
"Come on Gaz...last lap..."
"You losers are so desperate..."
"Go ahead, shunt me, I'll run away on the straights."
"Come on, Golf!"
"Gazza" tried desperately to activate his nitrous. But, his tanks were empty.
Both of the hatchbacks behind me had completely drained their nitrous tanks in their futile attempts to catch me.
"Some words of advice...learn to drive, and ditch those crappy cars."
My friends were waiting at the pits.
"I hear engines..."
"Me too...they're turbocharged..."
My friends jumped for joy as I crossed the line, victorious.
"Damn it, Kamui, I'm not giving piggybacks!"
"What happens now, Dazza mate?"
"We get on our knees in front of Terminator-Eye and apo...apol...apologise, I think."
Back at the hotel...
I dumped the bales of €50 notes all over my bed.
"So much money!"
"Hey Miyu..."
"What?"
"Money fight!"
We threw fistfuls of banknotes at each other until my phone rang.
"Yes, who is it?"
"Oh, just an old friend of the family," said the caller in a voice that was obviously distorted.
"What's with the Darth Vader voice? Are you scared of the police?"
"I was shot in the head. I have taken a drunken piss all over the doorstep of the Grim Reaper. I do not fear anything."
"Why are you calling?"
"Oh, just as a nice reminder for you and your whore."
Akiko heard the insult, and snatched the phone.
"What goes on between consenting individuals is no-one else's business! Get a life, and stop believing that 🤬 the Jonas Brothers adhere to!"
I grabbed the phone back. "No-one dares intimidate me."
"I've intimidated your brother enough to make him hire security."
"I'm coming after you. I'm not letting you do this."
"Well then, bring on your little army of friends. Our FWD Lieutenant is waiting in Colorado."
"See you th-"
"You misunderstand. I wouldn't dream of going. This pretty face, despite its red eye, draws quite a lot of attention. I wouldn't dream of blowing the cover that a presumed death provides." The caller hung up.
"Damn, Miyu, you seem tense."
"Now's not the time for that, Aki-chan. Toshiya's a FWD ace, right?"
"Yeah, and?"
"As much as I hate to say it, but that Honda is going to jump the first hurdle."
"Are you still up for-"
I blank her and go to Toshiya's room.
Special thanks to VTiRoj, C-ZETA and FishyJuice for their roles as Dazza, Gazza and Wazza!
